Q : How can anyone end up with $1 million in the stock market?
A : Start with $2 million.


The market is weird.
Every time one guy sells, another one buys and they both think they're smart.



Technical analysis is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion.



There are primarily 3 different types of forumers who post on the Investlah message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything : 10%
2. Those who know a little : 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: 80%



A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
Well what was he before he married you? the friend asked.
A billionaire. the woman said



A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.



Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father,Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand. Good, my dad quickly replied. Wash it again!



Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father,Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand. Good, my dad quickly replied. Wash it again!



There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided.

QUESTION: Who did the investor marry?
ANSWER: The one with the biggest OO



A man was filling out a job application when he came to the question:
Have you ever been fired? He answered "No" to the question.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Because I had never never employed."



Last year, I bought a stock at the 52-week low and I thought I was a genius.
Today, that same price was 52-week high.



Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?
A: They’ll probably add a "N" to the end of it!